NFP Burnout

As I write this article, I reflect on the last few months. Admittedly, I am a busy working mom. I love my profession as an OBGYN and have a rich family life with seven children. I count my blessings every day. But these last few months have been tough. In early November, just as we initiated some major changes to my medical practice and the holiday season reigned in, I became ill with Covid. It hit hard and fast. I was thankful to have access to treatment and was able to recover at home despite some underlying medical issues. My ten year old son was soon positive as well, followed by our nanny, our babysitter, much of my extended family, my husband and toddler, and most recently, my teenagers and office staff. I have done my best to protect my family, patients and friends yet this virus has continued to march right through and sabotage my work, my sleep and my family’s social plans. I consider myself a resilient person, but this last stretch of illness has left me physically and emotionally exhausted.

We are two years into the Covid pandemic and “Physician Burnout” is now common terminology. In fact more than one half of healthcare workers have reported burnout and nearly one fifth have quit their jobs. Physician burnout is complex, related to both systemic issues and medical culture. At its core is the feeling of a lack of control and feeling unseen/unheard and/or unappreciated. Physicians who went into medicine to help people find that they suffer from “compassion fatigue”.

In my years of both personally practicing NFP and prescribing NFP, I have noticed a similar phenomenon that I have coined “NFP Burnout.” I tend to see this emerge in couples after a significant stress on the marriage (such as marital conflict or prolonged infertility treatment). I also notice this in long-term NFP users when the sacrifice of abstaining and the continued effort of charting takes a toll. I start to hear couples question why they are still using NFP. They may even blame NFP for a lack of connection in their marriages.

The truth is, all areas of our lives ebb and flow. Our career, our marriage relationship, our parenting relationships, and yes, even our relationship with NFP has ups and downs. Thus, an occasional feeling of frustration is normal but feeling frustrated often or feeling disconnected or even hopeless are all signs of burnout.

Recognizing these feelings is important because awareness is the first step to treating it. Often, there may be some truth to the underlying feelings. For example, if you have been feeling resentful toward NFP there may be some underlying resentment around NFP in your marriage. Perhaps there needs to be a conversation about shared involvement with charting or even a deeper conversation about openness to another child or a joint renewed decision to continue abstaining. NFP requires work, commitment and mutual respect. Intimate connection needs to be prioritized and communication is key. Learning new communication tools and strengthening the emotional connection in a relationship can help. Marriage counseling can be helpful when needed and is not a sign of weakness.

Some underlying medical issues can also contribute to NFP Burnout. Examples of medical-induced NFP Burnout include issues with libido, pelvic pain, cycle irregularities such as abnormal bleeding or premenstrual syndrome and conditions such as anxiety or depression. A well-trained gynecologist can help resolve the underlying issue AND make NFP easier.

When I sense NFP Burnout in my Infertility couples, I prescribe an “NFP Reset” and ask them to take a break from charting for a month. During this time, they are asked to focus on going on a few fun dates with their spouse, revisiting a personal hobby or just getting some extra rest.

As I started to feel “burned out” from these last couple of months of family illness, I remembered that we can never do this alone, we have a God who loves and provides for us and who meets us where we are at. I chose to stop feeling frustrated which allowed me to show up more supportive of myself, my family and my staff. I have been able to give my sick kids the attention they need and am allowing myself to rest more as well. It is important to remember that rest and recreation recharge our bodies and our ability to connect with others.

With the right help, getting through “NFP Burnout” can actually deepen commitment to personal health, relationships and faith. If you feel burned out, take a little break, reflect on your feelings and talk to your spouse. Your NFP instructor and NFP-trained medical providers are capable of listening and helping you to get from burnout to a place of empowerment and connection.

Have you experienced “NFP Burnout”? If so, we would love to hear your story and share some replies in a future CANFP News. Tell us how you recognized your “NFP Burnout” and what you did to remedy it. Please email your story to Sheila@canfp.org

See FIND an EXPERT on this site, for contact info for Dr. Holmes, and other California NFP Professionals.