The Three “C”s of Marriage

Wise people have said, “As the family goes so society goes”. For years, we have bemoaned the divorce rate in the Western world. Now, many couples are avoiding divorce by avoiding marriage altogether. Living together without the benefit of a public bond or a sacramental union has become much more common and much more accepted. The lack of permanence of non-marital unions has led to the further deterioration of the family, which is the building block of society.

The ripple effect has reached even those who choose marriage. The pressures from our post-Christian culture make it very difficult to have a successful, thriving marriage. Couples must be dedicated and intentional. They can no longer count on things simply falling into place. The land of the free and the home of the brave is becoming the land of the divorced and the home of the single-parent family.

What keeps two people together for the long haul? What transforms newlyweds into parents and later into grandparents? What are the critical components that make a family a reflection of The Holy Trinity?

If we can distillate into simple steps, I would offer the Three Cs: Christ, first and foremost, is the cement, the super-glue binding a husband and a wife; Communication is how they constantly readjust to one another; in Charity they carry one another’s crosses.

Christ must be at the heart of any marriage that has any chance of success. In fact, the “job” of each spouse is to help the other get to heaven and to have children, whom they will also set on a course to heaven. Christ’s Church must be at the heart of our marriages, too, for He established the Church in order to bring us to Him. Without the Church, marriage has no meaning as a sacrament, which is a gift of God’s grace.

Communication continues to be an elusive goal these days from the family room to the bedroom to the boardroom. In our era of digital communication and social media, communication has become impoverished. The more people are virtually connected, the more isolated they are personally.

In a marriage, communication is critical because we are all so variable. A marriage without good communication is like a pilot trying to fly in the fog without instruments.

Communication brings us closer to one another and closer to Jesus. The more we know each other, the better we can love each other.

Communication allows us to share our different perspectives and feelings on life and God with one another. It can be verbal, nonverbal, and physical. Its highest expression, of course, is in the marital act, the sacramental peak of spiritual and physical unity, the total gift of self.

Husbands and wives sooner or later discover that men and women communicate differently and expect different results from communication. Generally speaking (and I realize I take a risk with generalizations), women need to discuss things thoroughly or “vent.” Sometimes the mere process of discussion is more important for them than the resultant action. Men, on the other hand, often prefer to “cut to the chase” and identify, then attempt to solve the problem at hand. As you might imagine, a well-intentioned husband and an equally caring wife might easily get on each other’s nerves by not understanding the differences between their communication patterns.

Many couples, including my bride and me, have found “couch time” very useful. Couch time, a concept we learned from Catholic author Bud McFarlane, Jr., is when a couple steps back after the kids or grandkids are in bed, sits down on the couch, and “checks in.” They are totally there for one another. The more we utilized couch time, the easier it became and the fewer crises we had.

After 39 years of marriage, I have learned to simply listen to my wife without automatically engaging my problem-solving mode. Repetition has definitely been the mother of learning for me. Even now, checking in with one another is crucial. Explicit and intentional communication has saved many of our days.

The third C is Charity, or love.“So faith, hope and love remain, these three, but the greatest of these is love.” (1 Corinthians 13:13) The love of marriage is not simply the romantic love of falling in love. No, that’s what Hollywood dishes up to us nearly every waking moment of our lives. The love of marriage is the love that imitates Christ. “Be subordinate to one another out of reverence for Christ.” (Ephesians 5:21)

We may want to review the types of love that include charity (caritas in Latin and agape in Greek). Unfortunately, the English language limits us to only one word, for the different types of love. The ancient Greek language gives us at least four versions which can all contribute to a healthy marriage.

Storge is the natural affection that family members share. It is the love that binds family members, such as siblings, together even though they didn’t necessarily choose one another.

Eros is an attractive love that leads us to fall in love and to want to possess the other. It is the spark. However, like other sparks, if it does not lead to a deeper relationship, it will fade.

Philia is a deep abiding love based on virtue and respect. This is the rich friendship that develops among close friends and in strong marriages.

Agape is the highest level of love. It is known as “caritas” in Latin and “charity” in English and is the sacrificial love that desires what is best for the other. While, in many ways eros is focused on oneself, agape is totally focused on the other.

Charity means that we are willing to lay down our lives, as well as our lifestyles, for each other. Marital charity may be as simple as not debating who is right or wrong in a disagreement, but rather swallowing your pride and your anger. Marital love may mean doing things with your spouse even though they aren’t your favorite activities because being with him or her is your favorite activity.

In charity we should place our spouses and our children’s interests before our own. Career moves, promotions, long hours at the office, work brought home, volunteer tasks and committees can take their toll on family life. It is better to be less successful, less accomplished, less popular, less admired, less rich, less a career climber, less a “super mom or dad,” than to be less of a spouse and a parent.

God will judge parents and spouses by how they manage their domestic churches (i.e., their families), rather than on how many church or civic groups they led or how many dollars they earned. “God calls us to be faithful, not successful,” to quote Saint Teresa of Calcutta.

Charity might direct husbands to draw a line in the career sand, limiting their work hours. Women may need to sacrifice their own careers while their children are at home. Both must be committed to prioritizing family over materialistic lifestyles. The result will be an expanding spiritual lifestyle.

Charity will lead to fuller adherence to the Ten Commandments. Self-sacrifice will lend itself to greater family unity in prayer and in leisure on the Lord’s day. When Sundays are given back to God by the elimination of unnecessary work, worshipping together, and spending the day together, beautiful things begin to happen. I know, I’ve seen it in my own family.

Part of charity, which could really be a fourth C, is Chastity–the proper use of our sexual gifts. In marriage, of course, it means fidelity to your spouse. More than that, however, it means respecting the dignity of your spouse and acknowledging that he or she is a temple of the Holy Spirit. It requires self-control and self-mastery in the avoidance of temptation.

Temptation or coveting of others, can be as simple and innocuous as “checking out” a woman (or a man). If we truly imitate Christ, who laid down his life for us, then we would never disrespect our spouse by being interested in or admiring the beauty of another. The way a husband looks at his wife or the way the wife looks at her husband should be a special gaze reserved for them alone.

It is through chastity and charity that the blessings of natural family planning come forth. With Christ at the center, communication as the guide, and charity the milieu, a man and woman truly can be “joined . . . and the two shall become one flesh.” (Ephesians 5:31).

Marriage is like a fine sports car; it requires attention and maintenance. Intentional focus on the three Cs, like exercising our bodies, builds healthy, happy, and holy marriages.