Could This Result in Pregnancy?

Dear Bruce,

I applaud your concern for your girlfriend. You have been together a long time, and it sounds like you are really invested in this relationship. I admire your respect for her, her wishes, and her well-being.

To answer your direct question, yes, pregnancy can occur if seminal fluid comes in contact with the mucus at the opening of the vagina. Sperm can survive up to 3-5 days in the woman, awaiting ovulation, and the egg lives 12-24 hours, thus there is about a six day window of fertility. A woman can be taught how to recognize this window of fertility, identifying fertile and infertile days.

But I sense you have a commitment to remain virgins until such time as you marry, and so I would advise you to focus your efforts on succeeding in that commitment, rather than identifying the fertile window.

I would also suggest that the behavior you are describing does not honor your commitment to remain virgins, nor your relationship. Any “consent” you or she might give in the heat of the moment, in the situation you describe, is not truly consent, but simply giving in to the passions of the moment. I suggest the two of you sit down, in a calmer moment, and discuss your thoughts and feelings about the nature of your relationship, your expectations, and goals.

You want to protect your girlfriend from anything “bad” happening, but pregnancy is not the only possible consequence to your genital activity. STD’s can also be contracted with the behavior you describe. And there are emotional consequences as well. You are trying to “have your cake and eat it too”, meaning remain virgins but partake in the sensual pleasures that are part of the bonding of intercourse in marriage. The result is confusion, anxiety, and frustration.

Let me tell you a silly story that may bring some clarity to the inconsistency of what you are doing, as opposed to what you want. A young man wants to go to New York, and gets on the next bus that comes along, which clearly states its destination is Chicago. Where will the young man end up? Yep, Chicago. And he may step off the bus, and wonder aloud, “How the heck did I end up in Chicago, I wanted to go to New York” but to everyone else it is clear as can be! The analogy is, of course, that you can say you want to be virgins, but the path you are travelling leads to a different place! You need to decide what you really want, and then choose the path that will take you there.

Choosing to remain virgins, and committing to abandon arousal behavior, is a long term investment in your relationship. Your energies can then be expended on being affectionate, thoughtful, and caring for each other, and getting to know, love and respect each other as whole beings, not objects of sexual satisfaction. Sexual expressions of love are meant to bond two people together in a lasting and permanent way, and until you consent to that in marriage, you are speaking a lie with your bodies.

If you want to be faithful to the sprit of your commitment to virginity, then you must recommit together, and then devise a plan for fulfilling that commitment. That will probably mean changing how your spend time together, to avoid the temptations you are experiencing. Avoiding being alone in private for extended periods of time, avoiding any alcohol that might weaken your resolve, and forming new habits and agreeing on limits that are respected by both.

I wish you both well, and when the time comes to prepare for marriage, you can seek out a natural family planning teacher who can teach both of you how to identify that fertile window, so you can continue to respect your sexuality and relationship, within marriage.

Sheila St. John