Accompanying Those Suffering Pregnancy Loss

If you have experienced the loss of a family member or someone else, you probably attended a funeral or service and were able to somehow process your grief. For those who have had a pregnancy loss due to abortion, miscarriage, stillbirth, or struggled with infertility, that may not be the case. Theirs is a disenfranchised grief, a loss not recognized by society that does not allow for mourning.

In general, our society does not encourage ample time to heal from a loss. Grief takes time and it can be complicated, for some leading to unhealthy behaviors such as depressive symptoms, anxiety, substance use, isolation and others that impact their day to day living. For those who have had a pregnancy loss, there are few safe places to share their story. This can promote secrecy, shame, fear of judgment and a multitude of other emotions and thoughts that interfere with healing.

Having practiced Natural Family Planning, and having had multiple fibroids removed, both my husband and I knew our bodies, yet we were very puzzled by our struggle to get pregnant after our first son was born, and later, by the loss we experienced

With regard to my own experience, I felt guilt for having done something that led to our miscarriage. I felt very angry with my OBGYN for not doing enough to prevent our loss and lacking trust to return to him, found another one. I could not pay attention to my husband’s grief because I was caught up with mine. Men are equally impacted and their loss is even harder to communicate. Yet, help can be given to those who struggle with pregnancy loss.

13.1% of women age 15-49 have impaired fertility (difficulty achieving/maintaining pregnancy) ¹

1 10-20% of known pregnancies end in miscarriage ²

623,471 legal abortions reported to CDC for 2016 ²

¹ Mayo Clinic

² cdc.gov Center for Disease Control & Prevention

If you are a clergy member, folks come to you with their stories of struggle. You can ask if their story includes one of pregnancy loss. You can also have your staff and parish leaders trained to be safe responders to these stories.

If you are a physician, or NFP teacher, you are already inquiring about personal medical history. I invite you to include the question of pregnancy losses, and in addition to asking about miscarriage or abortion, I encourage you to ask how long ago and how they have coped. Studies show that doctors rarely acknowledge the impact of a pregnancy loss with their patients.¹ This can be a result of discomfort, fear of bringing up negative feelings of a loss, or perhaps the assumption the loss has been grieved.

All of us may become aware of friends and family members who are facing infertility challenges. Do not hesitate to pay a listening ear and inquire, again gently, if miscarriage or abortion is one of them.

Whatever your role, personal or professional, once you find out about a pregnancy loss, listen attentively. Listen curiously. Listen with compassion. Listen with hope. Offer your acknowledgment of their story. Tell them that you are sorry for their loss.

When learning about a pregnancy loss, especially abortion, check your own thoughts and reactions to a story you may not be prepared to hear, reasons that you may not understand for the loss. Make sure you do not communicate your judgment.

Do not offer comments such as, “God wanted an angel in Heaven,” “You are young and will have another,” “Don’t feel so bad,” “Everything happens for a reason.”

What you can do to be helpful is to be present with the individual. From a spiritual perspective, reassure them of God’s love for them. Know resources to provide, perhaps a hotline, or a clergy member knowledgeable in this type of loss. Do not dismiss them or promise to talk to them later and then forget. Reassure them they are not alone. Even if the person you are talking with does not open up right away, by having asked, you let them know you are a safe person to share this with. If you do not know what to say, it is okay to remain in silence and offer them resources.

Through the cycle charting we had done, we discovered a hormonal unbalance in me that later on a practicing Catholic OBGYN was able to help us with. After our Angela was lost to miscarriage, we were able to conceive three more children. Our family consists of five:: four living and one in Heaven.

Grief takes time and it can be a messy process. My husband and I both had different healing paths. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Loss is a suffering that no one really likes and that sometimes can get forgotten in one’s brain, only to reappear later, out of nowhere. It can be several years before a trigger reminds an individual of their loss and they begin to reach out. If someone reaches out to you, you may be an instrument to help them in their healing journey.

¹Markin, R. D. (2016). What clinicians miss about miscarriages: Clinical errors in the treatment of early term perinatal loss. Psychotherapy, 53(3), 347–353. https://doi.org/10.1037/pst0000062

Pregnancy Loss Resources

ByYourSideLA.org
RachelsVineyard.org
PostAbortionHelp.org
Sistersoflife.org/what-we-do/hope-healing-after-abortion