Marital Tension Over Desire for Chaste Marriage

Dear Pam,

I would highly recommend the two of you meet with a trusted spiritual advisor to address the issues that form the foundation to your question. As you say, they are affecting your marriage, and while this time following the birth of your baby is bringing these issues to the forefront, I suspect they are ongoing issues in your relationship.

There are times in a marriage when couples abstain from sexual relations. While sexual intercourse is the language of marriage, it should not be the only dialect of communicating your unique love and commitment. It is vital that you be able to express affection outside of sexual intercourse, and distinguish between affirming touch and arousing touch. It is commendable your husband is trying to respect your commitment to restrict arousal activity to times of intercourse, and that he knows his limits and is avoiding behavior that will make it burdensome to respect those limits. Certainly we all have different thresholds in this area, and he knows that certain touch will be arousing, and only make it more difficult to refrain from sexual intercourse.

But you can learn together as a couple how to express your love through affirming touch. To begin with, perhaps that is best done in rooms other than the bedroom, like the kitchen! A hug, a back or shoulder rub at the end of a hard day, praying together, cuddling on the couch watching tv, or a walk around the block hand in hand. Some of these touches are obviously affectionate and affirming, not arousing. But other expressions of affection might be misunderstood. Some couples are quite contented to at times lie in their bed in each others embrace, like two spoons nestled against each other, and other couples find this too tempting during times they are refraining from anything arousing. You must learn and respect each others limits, so that you are freed as a couple to experience the pleasure and comfort of affirming touch, when arousing touch is inappropriate.

If there is underlying anger and resentment over occasionally abstaining from marital relations, or arousing activities apart from intercourse, one human tendency might be the temptation to “punish” our partner by refusing to give or receive all expressions of affection. A spiritual advisor might help us identify this failing, and strive for a more generous, cooperative solution to our frustration.

It also takes trust—-and this trust is built up over time, and is a result of respecting each others boundaries, and values.

Periods of abstinence are more challenging to some than others. But for us all, they present opportunities for growth in our relationship, and a chance to explore other aspects of our sexuality, that are not genital in nature. Growth is almost always difficult and challenging….and when embraced, rewarding.

You could also discuss with a spiritual advisor your concerns re: foreplay, and what is appropriate. To respect the integrity of the sexual act, ejaculation should occur during an actual act of intercourse, and not be sought apart from it. In my opinion, it is scrupulous to get too focused on the possible, unintended, leakage of a sperm during foreplay. I would make a distinction between that, and the intentional effort to bring the man to orgasm apart from the act of intercourse.

There are some clergy advisors listed on our website, who have generously offered to make themself available for consult on the very issues you present.

Now, one final comment re: your characterization of the need to abstain for months following the birth of your child. You imply it has been advised medically that you wait six weeks. It sounds like you use NFP. You can work with your teacher during that time to identify the return to fertility, and the days of infertility. It sounds like perhaps you are thinking you must wait until after you observe your first temperature rise before identifying infertility, but you can also identify the beginning of that first ovulation by observing the onset of cervical mucus, and the infertile days that precede it.

But whether you are refraining for six weeks during your recovery, the week and a half of fertility in each cycle, or several months, I do believe you will be happier if you work together as a couple to integrate a vision of your sexual relationship that is fulfilled beyond the narrow expression of genital activity.

Many couples walk this journey with you…..

Sheila St. John