Letter to My Teen Patient: What I REALLY Want to Say to You

Dear Teen,

I saw you for a sports physical today, and I noticed that you have been prescribed birth control in the past. I am supposed to ask you if you are using appropriate protection from STDs and whether the birth control choice is working for you.

You are no longer using protection? Oh, because you broke up with your boyfriend?

I sigh, and share your heartbreak. I see a beautiful girl in front of me, who has given the gift of herself away, only to be “discarded” and exchanged for someone else.

I wish that I had a chance earlier to tell you: Love is truly wonderful. Sometimes, teens mistake the emotional and physical feelings they are experiencing, for true love. Sometimes, teens engage in sex to satisfy an urge they have and they see no reason why it shouldn’t be indulged.

Every person is a sexual being, and so what you are feeling—the urge to bond in a very intimate way with that person that you are attracted to—can be like a huge invisible magnet that draws you towards sex with that person. This sexual urge is not bad or “sinful” in itself; it is part of our human nature and you should not feel guilty for experiencing it. The sexual urge is actually a very good and necessary thing. Look what it has produced as its fruit—YOU, and all the potential for good that is possible because you have been brought into the world as a result!

But the sexual urge is not the “be all and end all” of love. Every person has a deep longing to love and to be loved in return. The sexual urge provides the “raw material” for true human love. To begin with, you might be attracted to a person physically—you might like his eyes, or the way he talks. Or you might be attracted to him emotionally—how he makes you feel. Or better yet? Both. But if giving in to sex is where your attraction led, then, my dear teen patient, you are missing out on a whole other level to love—the love that you are seeking. And actually, human love is attractive because it leads us not only to one person, but to the source of that person’s goodness.

Let me ask you this: if you had a choice, would you rather give yourself to someone who does whatever he wants, with whomever he wants, whenever he wants, without ever saying “no” to his urge, or would you rather give yourself to someone who has mastery over himself and his urges, has looked at all his choices of girls and chooses you, and makes a commitment to love you, putting you as his top priority, even above himself? Do you want someone who is thinking “What’s in it for me, what can I get out of this relationship?” Or…“What is best for you, what can I do for you?” If you are with someone who is self-centered, you can be sure that when he is no longer getting what he wants from you, and someone “better” comes along, you will be exchanged. He sticks around, only as long as the good feelings last.

To have that real love you are longing for, take your time to find someone who has mastery over himself, so that his “yes” to you is truly a “yes”. You deserve someone who would do whatever it takes for your best interests. On your end, you can channel all the feelings that you have for him that are fueling the sexual urge, towards having self-mastery over yourself, and towards the good of others, including the person you are attracted to. Now imagine if both he and you – he, the man of your dreams; you, the woman of his dreams—-commit to a life of love together, for the good of each other, in the bond of marriage. Imagine the sexual and emotional union of that love! That is the love that you are called to—a secure, totally satisfying, absolutely fulfilling love that is renewed every time you have sex together! If that sounds good to you, and you say “yes” I want this kind of love, then necessarily you have to say “no” to pre-marital sex.

Chastity is actually a joyful preparation for an awesome life-giving love that is totally out of this world amazing. If you give yourself away with your first “love”, and then subsequently to others, then what could have been fully yours in your future is like a gel pad that has slowly leaked all its magical gel—by the time it gets to marriage, the experience becomes quite deflated.

Teenage years are a time for you to grow and mature, and find your own place in the world. There is so much going on in your life! Do you think in order for this boy to like you, that you have to sleep with him? Do you think to be popular you have to sleep around? It can be easy to fall into that trap, but remember—to be well-liked and feel accepted, you just have to genuinely care for other people.

I have to say, my colleagues and I are much to blame. We pediatricians are the floodgates through which contraceptives reach our teens. We are supposed to be working for your entire well being as a whole person, but I am afraid we have failed you by prescribing contraception for you, endorsing this lifestyle and attitude of casual sex and sex before marriage. When we say chastity is the gold standard and it is great if you can practice it, but just in case, here’s a prescription for the pill—how much trust are we really placing in you? I will probably get in trouble for saying this, but I wish my colleagues and I would start a revolution, stressing the gift of self from the very beginning of our visits. Together with your parents, we would strive to help each young man and woman arrive at adulthood robust, full of vitality, intact—to fulfill and experience the full essence of the amazing love between a man and a woman, a hint of the love that you are longing for.

From Your Pediatrician

Oh, PS:

Do give those boys a chance to get to know and see the entire you, by not dressing in such a way as to draw attention to only a part of your body. Dress attractively but modestly, so those boys get to see you for the real beauty you are!