Parenthood: Embracing the Unknown

It can be quite shocking to be categorized as having a “geriatric pregnancy”, to a woman more likely to be carded in a bar than to be offered the senior citizen discount. The more recently adopted term to describe a pregnant woman 35 years of age (or older) as one of “Advanced Maternal Age” is better, but not by much.

Regardless of whether the pregnancy is her first or her tenth, most women of “advanced maternal age” are aware of the increased risks of pregnancy complications and genetic anomalies. Prenatal screening is an option for any pregnant women, but for the mom ≥35, it may feel more like an expectation, with increased pressure to incur the risks that accompany invasive testing. It is important for the couple to weigh the risks and benefits, and to remember always—screening and testing is entirely optional

Whether adding to their family, just starting their family, or on a long journey of seeking pregnancy while experiencing impaired fertility, a couple may grapple with concerns about these increased risks in their mid-thirties and into their forties. It is indeed common for couples of this age to broach this topic with their NFP teacher, as part of their discernment process

Of course, it is neither the role, nor within the scope of, the NFP teacher to provide medical advice. But it is usually not medical advice these couples are seeking from us. What are these couples seeking?

I hear an undercurrent in the phrasing of the questions, that I would best characterize as seeking permission to pursue pregnancy, despite statistically increased risk to mom and baby. While rarely articulated in these exact words, I think the unspoken question that often prompts the inquiry is, “Is it irresponsible of us to desire/seek pregnancy when we know the increased risk of having a baby with health challenges?”.

This distorted sense of “responsibility” is a legacy of contraception that has permeated our culture.

The nature of marital love—the default mind-set in marriage—- is openness to pregnancy, spacing or postponing when discerned to be for the good of our marriage and family. In other words, it takes a good reason to refrain from achieving pregnancy. Contraception has flipped that entirely, and I see couples who have grown up in a contraception saturated culture sometimes struggle with if they can justify a pregnancy because, for example, they do not yet own their own home. Or are at higher risk for having a child with Down syndrome.

One statistic I share with these couples, is that while it is true the individual risk of chromosomal abnormalities increases at ≥35, 80% of babies with Down syndrome are born to mothers under 351 (because women under 35 birth more babies). I think this surprises and reorients us to a realization that we just do not—cannot—control all the factors and risks. We screen for some health issues—because we can. But parenthood is a big unknown. We anticipate it with dreams and plans for the children we will have, even before they exist. We spend nine months expectantly preparing to welcome this new human being. Then we meet our child and spend the rest of our lives loving this unique person, with a love we did not know we are capable of. And it is that love, of a parent for their child, that will equip us to accept this precious life we are gifted with, whatever the challenges. And there will be challenges. Some health challenges may be apparent at birth, others may manifest later. And other challenges we idealistically may think we can protect our child from can befall our perfectly healthy child as they navigate life. There is no prenatal screening for those. Thank God. Or we might let fear cause us to miss the most amazing, love filled journey that is parenthood.