Sinners Welcomed!

As I assembled the latest CANFP NEWS, I was asked by several people why we would dedicate an issue of this newsletter to this topic, since surely porn is not an issue for the “kind of couples ” who use NFP.

Exactly what kind of couples are those, I pondered.

I think NFP users are often stereotyped, though the details will vary depending on perspective: homeschooler/religious/health fanatic/Evangelical/conservative/ Catholic/etc. And in fact, you might even find some of these characteristics do indeed describe yourself, or your acquaintances who use NFP.

This is true in part because it is often the convictions of a couple that motivate them to seek out and use NFP, whether that be a desire for a healthy, effective family planning method, or religious beliefs. And NFP is simply not as readily available as contraception, so often it takes real convictions to even identify it as an option!

Perpetuating this, since there is a preconceived notion of the NFP couple, outreach efforts may only target this audience, reinforcing the stereotype by only inviting those who fit it to use NFP. Even within that defined target audience, if those referring to NFP (physicians,/clergy/ therapists/ marriage preparation programs) have a notion that it takes an exceptional couple to be able to use NFP, they will encounter and refer very few.

I recall a meeting with one pastor, to explore how we might increase awareness about NFP among his faith community. He dismissed the goal as premature, and in fact unrealistic, noting that those he counsels are struggling with a myriad of sexual sins, pornography chief among them, and NFP was not even on their radar screen. He had a valid point—it is difficult to see the beauty of sexuality when mired in its ugliest distortions. But he was holding up a standard of perfection as a prerequisite for using NFP, and in effect denying everyone access to the new perspective NFP offered. It was not an either/or situation: learning NFP could have been part of their journey of healing.

NFP couples are certainly not immune to the scourge of pornography, or any other vice or temptation which flourishes in us human types. Oh, if only they were. Wouldn’t it be nice if upon completion of their NFP course, each couple received a gold star which proclaimed and promised:  you are now the perfect couple/family—go forth and be happy! And NFP teaching couples could be assured that with completion of their advanced training in the biological/relational/spiritual dimensions of sexuality and marriage, their own marriages and families would unceasingly reflect these principles and henceforth be blemish free!

If there is a perfect NFP couple/family reading this, you may not  relate to this column. But I am pretty sure that couple exists only in stereotypes. With so many ready to criticize, and validate their own choices, there can be much pressure to be the poster family for NFP. And what is the danger in that? The danger is that the pressure to live up to that stereotype of perfection is a heavy load, and it can prevent us from truly growing in authentic holiness and happiness under the weight of maintaining appearances. It can keep us from seeking and accepting the accountability referred to by the men who authored articles we have published on the topic of pornography. And it can make us unapproachable, for anyone who might desire to learn more about NFP. If NFP is just for the exceptional, the rest of us mere mortals are denied the increased health, holiness, and happiness it brings to our marriages and families. Because while you do not have to be perfect and holy to use NFP, using NFP—living our marital relationship generously and in accord with its design—does make us better, and holier, than not doing it.

So, perhaps your next ad for your NFP class should read:  Sinners welcomed! Or the secular version: Seeking imperfect couples, who simply want to be better versions of themselves. Who doesn’t want that? And while perfection may be unattainable, aren’t we are all called to strive to be the best we can be?