Who Does Not Belong?

The contributors to this edition are diverse—- newly/long time married; celibate/married clergy; infertility/abundant fertility; father of newborn/school age/grown/newborn with grown children; PhD/MD— but they share one perspective, and it is one I cannot share—a man’s.

Their varied life experiences, upbringing, relationships, cultures, personalities, professions, and vocations, provide the lens through which they view this topic, coloring and framing their insights. And yet, it is also striking, that certain words and themes dominate their shared male perspective—concern for the well being of their bride (and for clergy, their bride, the Church), a willingness to sacrifice for the good of their family, a desire to protect their wife and children from harm, a longing for deep intimacy with their wife, and a desire to partner with her, sharing responsibilities, be they burdens or joys.

I obviously cannot share that male perspective. But my unique vantage point is informed by a four decade journey of teaching NFP to over 800 women, and nearly that many men (nearly, because some women were single). Being invited to share in this intimate aspect of their lives, as they partnered in navigating fertility, marriage, responsible parenthood, and sexuality, has deeply influenced my female view of the male perspective.

What did I learn? That there is a male perspective (duh), and it is rooted in a desire to be the strength for his family. The gender stereotypes some espouse—real men don’t cry/ talk about their feelings/control their sexual urges, and women are helpless damsels in distress in need of princes to rescue them—are counterfeit caricatures of the difference between men and women. Those once common misconceptions have been largely rejected by our culture, and rightly so. The problem is the pendulum has swung the other way, from absurd restrictive gender stereotypes, to the notion there actually are no differences between men and women.

As a teacher of NFP, I have observed how the man’s active engagement in the process of learning NFP changes the entire dynamic—-of the learning process AND the couple’s application of the method. Some of that is due to the input of the male perspective, some just to the inclusion of all involved parties in the discussion!

It can be very efficient for the wife to do it all. We are all busy, and rely on division of duties, to get through the many daily personal and professional responsibilities. It might just seem easier, for the women to take it all on, and just let the man know if today is a “good day”… or not.. And it is easier—at least in that moment. Ahhh … but easier is not the same as better. And while some men have declined actively participating in learning and charting, in many more cases, I think they just may not have been invited in. The woman is trying to be helpful by shouldering the task. After all she has to be the one making observations…she might as well just go ahead and chart … and that then just sort of makes her the expert on the application…and it IS simpler to schedule the NFP appointment
if not working around his schedule too…so it just sort of develops into being her thing. And the man, especially when he is in awe of his capable and awesome wife, might just assume he is not needed in the process. If you see yourself in this pattern, I invite you to take some time to talk about how that is working for you. Efficient, perhaps…but is it better?

In reading the testimonies of these husbands, I suspect one thing they have in common, is actively learning and using NFP with their wives. That will look different for each couple. Because while there is a male perspective, the experience and expression of it is unique to each man. The goal is not to be more like someone else, or some idea of what men (and women) should be—but to be the best version of yourself….as a man, and as a couple. Learning and using NFP—together—facilitates that.