Developing Sexual Self Control

Dear Gi,

I’ll try to answer your concerns in the order you wrote them. Because of your thin uterus, a pregnancy could endanger yourself and your baby, but that doesn’t mean it would. Should you get pregnant, everything could turn out just fine. However, your physical condition should be taken into account, and you are doing nothing wrong by deciding not to have more children because of that condition.

Your most important concern is what to do with sexual tension during the fertile time; most women desire sex during their fertile days. This makes sense, given that God loves children and wants to adorn his creation with them. So what do you do when the sexual drive is strong but a decision has been made not to conceive a child? You’ve tried to re-channel that energy by jogging or playing tennis, but it hasn’t worked. Then only one option remains. You look at a crucifix and recognize that one side is taken and the other side is not. You lay down on the floor before the crucifix. Then you feel the sexual tension that seems to be consuming you, and say, “Jesus, this incredible energy, I offer it to you. I choose to live in this tension rather than misuse the gift of my sexuality. I know that this tension will pass. I believe that you are here with me, watching me win this victory. I love you.” Just as Jesus had to go into the pain of the cross and live there until the pain was transformed into grace, so there are times when we simply can’t escape the pain. We must enter into it, and transform it into grace.

As to the last part of your question, some women can’t achieve climax without extra clitoral stimulation. The moment of climax is that ultimate moment of self-gift where husband and wife say to each other, “Take all of me. I am completely yours.” Ideally both would climax at the same time, but this is easier said than done. If a woman does not climax either during foreplay nor during intercourse, she or her husband could stimulate her to climax after, but this moment must remain a part of the act of intercourse. To seek only climax apart from intercourse is simply masturbation, where the essential nature of sex as ‘gift of self’ is lost.

Regarding your husband withdrawing: Because the man’s seed is directly connected to the possibility of new life, he must never intentionally climax outside of his wife’s vagina. Because her climax is not directly connected to the possibility of new life, her climax does not have to occur during intercourse, but as explained above, it must remain connected to the act of intercourse.

One last question you did not ask, but that many couples have, is the permissibility of oral sex, either as part of foreplay, or to aid in the woman’s climax after intercourse. The genitals are not ‘unkissable’ parts of the body. Oral sex is allowed, but husband and wife must always remember that the nature of sex is ‘gift of self’. Oral sex can easily turn into a ‘taking’ of pleasure, and even a using of the other, and these make sex what it is not meant to be; a taking rather than a giving. Also, spouses must be respectful of each others’ desires, and one should never force the other to do something they do not want to do.

A wonderful book I recommend is entitled “Good News About Sex and Marriage” by Christopher West. The ISBN number is 0-56955-214-2, and it is published by Servant Publications. I do not know of a better book on the beauty of God’s plan for sex and marriage.

Finally, thank you for desiring God’s will for your marriage. Try not to let your heart be heavy, but rather be joyful that you desire to walk with God by living according to His will. We do not have to be picture-perfect to be in God’s world. We simply need open, generous hearts before Him, and this you have.

God bless,
Fr. Chuck Kelly