Morality of Contraception When Spouse Refuses to Use NFP
Question
My wife and I have 5 beautiful children. She is 42 and I’m 45. We were using NFP until she became pregnant with our 5th child. I would like to continue using NFP, but my wife says that she has lost confidence in NFP to prevent pregnancy. She is also has very irregular cycles (23 to 70 days). We are currently using barrier methods. She has purchased the barrier methods and wants me to use them. I have thrown them away several times. Is it wrong for me to give in to this pressure? I still believe the Church’s teaching regarding openness to life, but I know it takes two for NFP to work. I try and rationalize the use by saying she may be too old to conceive, but I know this may or may not be true. I have been to confession with several different priests. One will say to keep pursuing NFP, and another will say that I should simply follow my heart, and that God is understanding and merciful. I have gently asked her several times if she would reconsider using NFP again, and she gets angry and tells me it’s abstinence or barrier methods. I enjoy being intimate with my wife, and I don’t think I have the self-control to be completely abstinent until she reaches menopause. I would appreciate any advice, and your prayers.
Answer
Last Updated: July 24, 2013
What is the truth about the act of conjugal love in marriage? The magisterial teaching of the Church makes it clear that the God given meaning of conjugal love is that every act of sexual intercourse should be free, total, faithful and open to new life. Each marital embrace is intended by God to be an awesome, beautiful and sacred expression of mutual, sincere self gift – a mystery wherein the married couple can encounter Trinitarian Love.
What is the truth about contraception? The Church teaches that the deliberate sterilization of the marriage act is a grave objective disorder and intrinsically evil. Hence, when there is sufficient knowledge of this truth, freedom and full consent of the will to disobey it, there is serious sin.
But what about the difficult circumstances mentioned in the question above?: the irregular cycle, the fear of another pregnancy, the lack of confidence in NFP, the burden of total abstinence until menopause, the context of a couple fully engaged in the sacrificial and generous love needed to raise five children? Should an exception be made and the barrier method of contraception be allowed in this situation?
I believe that to say, “yes” would be an example of misguided compassion that effectively separates truth from love and love from truth. So what ought to be done?
First, the couple should make sure that they have the best information available about fertility awareness for irregular cycles. For example, they could contact some experts on the Creighton method if they have not already done so.
The wife ought to bring her fears before the Lord in trustful prayer. I would recommend the book, Life Giving Love, by Kimberly Hahn, as a place where she could find understanding, compassion, truth and love from a fellow wife, mother and sister in Christ. The wife should not encourage or promote the use of a barrier method of contraception. The husband ought to respect his wife and not put pressure on her to resume even a method of periodic abstinence unless and until she is ready.
The husband ought to put his trust in the divinely guided Church teaching on the full meaning of conjugal love and the consequent serious immorality of contraception. He should accept that there can be no exceptions to the ban on using contraception due to his difficult circumstances. This is because contraception is an act which seriously harms and abuses the dignity and the full and sacred meaning of the marriage act. In harming the marriage act it also harms the right relationship between husband and wife which the act is meant to express. For the husband this is a time of testing of his faith, hope and love. It is a time of testing in which his faith, hope and love can grow stronger. He ought to consciously unite his sacrificial love for God and for his wife and children with the perfect sacrifice of Jesus in the Eucharist and to draw upon the strength of Jesus for the self control to love himself and his wife truly. He needs to trust that the Lord will not allow him to be tempted beyond his strength. For support, I recommend the book, Good News about Sex and Marriage, by Christopher West.
I also recommend a meditation on the martyrdom of a mother and her seven sons in the Second Book of Maccabees 7:1-42 in the Old Testament of the Bible. These pre Christian saints were being tempted to disobey a simple dietary precept against eating pork from the Law of Moses in order to avoid torture and death. They resisted the temptation because they perceived that the dietary precept had a direct link with the fullness of their sacred covenant with God who is the fullness of Truth, Love and Life. The marriage act certainly has no less a link with the fullness of the new and everlasting covenant given us through the self sacrifice of Jesus the Bridegroom for the salvation of His bride, the Church.
I pray that the husband and wife in this difficult situation will seek and find the graces they need to faithfully live the glorious beauty of God’s purpose for their marriage and family in truth and in love.
Fr. John Warburton, OSJ
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