Ministry of the Unforgettables

Totally different from artificial contraception, NFP implies a new lifestyle and attitude. With all our technical advances, we easily deceive ourselves into thinking that we can control life itself according to our wishes and plans. Life and death, however, will always be realities that transcend us. Not only may pregnancies be “unplanned”, but also death can come to each of us at any phase of our existence, whether after 100 years—or even shortly after conception. A family’s loss of a loved one is always difficult.

The grief of a mother at losing a child is especially heart-wrenching. In the case of miscarriage, this grief is often multiplied by great loneliness. Only she carried this baby inside her, shared her own blood with him or her, and will have cells of her baby’s DNA remain in her body for years to come. Especially in the case of early miscarriage, a funeral is seldom celebrated, few or no condolences are offered, no burial occurs, nor is any marker placed to recall the existence of this immortal soul. A mother is expected to forget and move on, as if nothing ever happened. Often marriages are also strained over this.

In the state of California, and similarly in many states, prior to 21 weeks gestation, no laws recognize or protect the humanity of the tiny child, the disposal of these human remains, or the recording of his or her existence. Medical professionals often tell mothers that it was nothing, only a mass of cells. Hospitals dispose of the remains with “the other biological material”, but often will not allow the mother to take them. Many cemeteries make no special provision for tiny remains, although others have now begun to do so.

Having experienced the hurt of many mothers, I quickly came to several conclusions: Every baby deserves a name, and all parents need to name their babies to simply admit and recall this family relationship which is to remain for all Eternity, in accord with our faith. Every baby and Catholic family deserves the celebration of the Funeral Mass for those “Babies who died before their parents were able to Baptize them.” Every baby deserves to be buried or entombed in a blessed, marked, public, permanently cared for cemetery or mausoleum. Babies whose remains have not been preserved, still deserve to be memorialized with a permanent marker plaque at a similar location.

Then several years ago, after having attended a workshop of the wonderful “All Embrace” ministry, along with Sandra Garcia, one of these mothers from my Shrine Parish of Our Lady of Guadalupe, Copatroness of the Unborn, we decided one Sunday shortly before Mother’s Day to invite all parents who suffered miscarriage to attend a workshop. With very little publicity the workshop was well attended by mothers and fathers who had lost babies recently or decades ago. Accompanied by her husband, Esteban, Sandra shared the biological and spiritual information she had learned, and most of all her own experience in dealing with her loss. We helped those attending who never had done so, to name their children. Parents may first reply that they do not know whether their child is a boy or a girl. In such circumstances, a name applicable to either can be chosen. Many times, however, the mother has a sense of whether her child is a son or daughter, and a name can well be chosen based on her maternal instinct. At a special Mass we planned on the Thursday night after Mother’s Day, we read the names given us of over 100 babies, a practice we have repeated with different babies, every year since.

We have come to call this helpful and healing work our “Ministry of the Unforgettables.” We try to give some personal and spiritual support to those who are losing or have just lost their baby. Practical help includes trying to have the hospitals release the remains or to instruct mothers to retrieve the tiny remains if delivering at home. I have seen a baby less than an inch long, already beautifully formed with all his fingers.

Currently we are constructing the unique Holy Spouses Memorial of the Unborn. This Mausoleum will have over 400 small crypts to entomb the remains of preborns of every stage of gestation. It has memorial walls for over 6,000 engraved granite memorial plaques, two by six inches, to commemorate those children who died due to miscarriage or abortion and whose remains were lost. This allows a spiritually and emotionally healing celebration of the life of one’s child, and is a testimony to the unique existence and dignity of the person remembered.

At the center of the Memorial is a specially commissioned bronze statue, sculpted by Thomas Marsh, of Our Lady of Guadalupe and St. Joseph, the Holy Spouses and Patrons of the Unborn, seated together tenderly and compassionately holding a tiny preborn baby in their hands. On the wall will be the words of Isaiah 49:

“I will never forget you. I have engraved you on the palms of my hands.”

As the construction progresses, we are ready to receive orders for plaques. The Memorial will be visited regularly for years to come by so many who will pray for all those memorialized there. It will serve as a witness to the beauty of every human life and of God’s plan for marriage and family.

Publicly recognizing the invaluable dignity of every person from the earliest days of his or her existence is essential to rebuilding the culture of life which sees how wrong contraception is and how precious it is to cooperate with nature.