Marital Relations

Dear C & S,

First of all, congratulations to the two of you on your upcoming marriage as well as your desire to do God’s will by practicing Natural Family Planning in your marriage.

In your question you mentioned that after marriage you will have “no boundaries anymore and we can express our affection physically still even without intercourse.” I’m not sure where you got that understanding but it is not complete.

Couples rarely begin to practice NFP out of a desire to improve their marital relationship. Generally the reasons chosen, at least at first, are dealing more with a desire to postpone or prevent a pregnancy for serious reasons. However, if they are going to practice NFP harmoniously, they soon find that they have to communicate more fully and creatively with each other. You may have read the Couple to Couple League brochure on this entitled Creative Continence.

Spouses do not ignore each other at times when they choose to avoid sexual relations; rather, they develop non-genital ways of expressing their love and affection, which is the art of marital courtship. In short, they keep alive the chaste courtship, which before marriage led them to want to marry each other.

The worst thing that can happen to sex – the surest way to ruin it, in fact – is to place too much of a premium on it. The physical side of lovemaking cannot stand alone. It is unique in its absolute dependence on the proper functioning of other elements.

The physical gratification aspect of marriage is not only less important than other elements of the marital picture (such as good communication and a healthy relationship with God); it presupposes them. This is not to deny that lovemaking is a good thing, indeed a glorious thing. The Church does not regard the body as evil. On the contrary, it has defended the procreative act as something distinctly positive and holy. Of course, of all human appetites, the sexual drive is unique in the degree to which it must be brought under control if it is to be man’s servant rather than his master. And this is so because marital intercourse, unlike eating and drinking, is potentially reproductive and, therefore, attended with consequences calling for a mature exercise of responsibility.

Sexual acts within marriage must serve, first and foremost, the unitive (love) and procreative (children) aspects of marriage. Marital intercourse and sexual acts preparatory to it often are too only suitable but obligatory for married couples. But since even married couples can have various reasons for not engaging in sexual acts (e.g. postponement of a pregnancy), the obligation is subject to exceptions. Moreover, not all sexual acts within marriage are conducive to the good of marriage, and only those fully integrated with commitment to this good are chaste. Hence, Christian married couples should not consider themselves entitled to any and every sexual activity which they find mutually agreeable, but should engage in chaste acts of marital intercourse.

The first marital intercourse consummates the marriage by making the husband and wife actually to be one flesh. Subsequent acts of marital intercourse express and foster conjugal love.

A marital act expresses and fosters the couple’s marital communion (love) precisely because, when they willingly and lovingly cooperate with each other in an act of itself suited to procreating, their mutual self-giving actualizes their one-flesh unity. If one or both spouses engage in a sexual act that does not realize one-flesh unity in this way, that act is not marital.

The Church teaches that all sexual acts must take place within the context of a true marriage. Furthermore, however, even within marriage sexual acts must always take into account the very reason for the act, namely: the union of husband and wife as well as the openness to the possibility of procreation. When a man or woman engage in a sexual act which results in orgasm outside of actual marital intercourse this is equivalent to an act of mutual masturbation and goes contrary to the very nature of the sexual acts within marriage.

Ejaculation by the male in the female’s vagina is necessary for sexual intercourse insofar as it is a reproductive function, and so such ejaculation is necessary for a complete act of marital intercourse. However, within marriage various sexual acts short of complete intercourse can indeed be chaste and therefore, moral. Of course, like intercourse itself, such acts are chaste only insofar as spouses seek in them, not pleasure alone, but the wider good of marital communion in witch pleasure is a subordinate element.

Marital sexual acts short of intercourse are good in themselves if they a) are necessary or helpful to marital intercourse and/or b) express and foster marital affection. Still, even if good in itself, an act short of intercourse can be bad due to a wrong intention or some circumstance. Thus, such acts become bad if they either a) are intended to bring about complete sexual satisfaction apart from marital intercourse or b) are in some other way at odds with the good of marital communion.

True marital acts must be a) a loving cooperation and b) open to new life. This is true even with those couples practicing Natural Family Planning since there is a big difference between doing (e.g. practicing artificial contraception) and not doing (e.g. abstaining during fertile periods).

You mentioned in your question that it was your understanding that you would “satisfy each others sexual tension during the periods of abstinence perhaps through other ways.” The morality of these “other ways” will determine whether or not these acts are condemned. If they are truly acts of affection and love in a manner that is chaste, then certainly, they are not condemned. However, if these acts basically amount to mutual masturbation by permitting sexual orgasm to take place outside of the normal act of intercourse, then they would be condemned due to the reasons I have explained above.

You are quite correct that “this is your wife” and certainly you should express the love and affection that you have for each other. However, this must always be done understanding and appreciating each other’s dignity rather than simply the “use of each other” for the sake of personal pleasure.

You mentioned in your question that when you found out that your honeymoon might take place during your wife’s fertile time you said “that’s ok…. all that means is no intercourse.” Of course, that’s not all that means at that time or any other time. As Christians we see our sexuality in a much broader sense than simply a physical or mechanical sense and therefore chastity is marriage is also important.

So the bottom line regarding a fertility time during the honeymoon is that you have two moral options: either engage in marital relations and let a baby come if God sees fit to bless you in that way, or abstain until you are fertile. Chaste married couples have done it both ways.

Now, perhaps after all of the above you might be wondering, “why something as natural as lovemaking should be the subject of so many rules and regulations.” The answer is simple: This is the way God made it. There is a divine instruction manual for every human activity. It is called the Bible. And it is worth consulting. Most of the “rules” are self-evident, and for the rest we can rely on the Church Christ founded. Yes, it is difficult to “follow the rules” but is difficult to lead a moral life period. Christianity is a demanding religion. Let’s face it: truth and justice have never been the path to riches and fame. The Church’s teachings will always appear “unrealistic” to men and women of the world. Particularly so today. Ours is a society where generosity in family matters reaps few, if any, rewards. Since many of us find ourselves in a quandary it may seem naive, if not suicidal to embrace Catholic values.

However, remember that Christ Himself, during His public ministry, convinced relatively few of the truth of His message. Yet, there were those at the time who recognized Him as “the Way, the Truth, and the Life,” just as there will always be some wise enough to see that truth does not always coincide with the view of the majority. There were not many then, nor are there many today.

I do encourage you to begin your marriage in a moral manner however difficult it may be. Those who are brave enough, and sufficiently confident in God’s providence, to sacrifice for their ideals will receive grace in abundance. Theirs will be a joy that is deep and lasting in the present world – their yoke will be easy, their burden light – and when the time comes for them to die, they will knew that they have run the race and kept the course, and that their Savior has prepared a place for them in heaven. (Marks, Handbook for Newly Married Couples).

Fr. Marcos Gonzales