Is NFP the Problem? by Monica & Renzo Ortega

Many couples quietly struggle with NFP (natural family planning), feeling disconnected, frustrated, or even resentful, particularly during extended periods of abstinence, irregular cycles, or biomarkers that are difficult to interpret. Their marriages experience friction when expectations are unmet and sexual intimacy becomes unpredictable or even unavailable. “NFP was supposed to be good for our relationship, but it seems to bring more grief than glory.” Often, couples in this place conclude that something must be wrong with the Church’s teaching itself. The blame falls squarely on NFP as the source of the problem.

If we didn’t have to practice NFP, we wouldn’t have any of these problems.

But we’d like to offer an alternative point of view: NFP is revealing something that is in need of healing.

NFP is, without question, a practical and valuable tool. Women use it for fertility awareness, and couples use it for family planning. It aids in understanding overall hormonal health, helps time conception with greater precision, and allows couples to avoid pregnancy without the use of contraception. In all of this, NFP honors the way our bodies were masterfully created.

While all of this remains true, it does not fully address the heart of the tension and suffering couples experience when NFP seems to “cause” problems. These concerns are real and valid, but the finger-pointing is often misplaced. When reframed, NFP exposes challenges within the individual and within the relationship. And because NFP is practiced within the sacrament of marriage, the revelation does not stop there. It becomes an invitation—to deeper intimacy with one another, a broader understanding of the science of creation in light of faith, and a more intentional pursuit of virtue and charity.

In our years of ministry with couples, here are some of the most common concerns we have both lived and observed, along with what may be revealed through the practice of NFP.

“NFP doesn’t really work—it’s too complicated or unreliable.”

NFP is not only scientifically sound; it is aligned with the reality of how men and women are created. Women can only conceive during the ovulatory phase of their cycle and cannot during the luteal phase. This is biological fact. That said, this does not mean NFP is always simple or user-friendly. It requires effort, interpretation, and flexibility, particularly when cycles are irregular or appear different from the norm.

Beyond this legitimate concern, however, lies a deeper question waiting to be revealed: Do you trust one another? Have you entrusted your family to the Lord? Is hesitation rooted in fear—fear of charting incorrectly, fear of your spouse’s self-control, or fear that God’s providence may not be enough?

We encourage couples to evaluate and pray with these questions together. If distrust between spouses is present, address the reason why. If one spouse is more lax while the other expects precision, talk about it openly and make a shared plan. If fear of God’s care underlies the tension, bring that fear to prayer…together.

If one spouse is confident in NFP and the other is hesitant, gentleness is essential. Be open to hearing the reason for that hesitation. It may stem from scientific misunderstanding, moral uncertainty, or anxiety about how this commitment affects daily life. Ultimately, NFP is a marital decision that requires ongoing discernment. Healing the brokenness revealed in communication, trust, and understanding is necessary to build a shared vision for family planning and the tools used to support it.

“NFP has caused emotional and sexual strain due to long periods of abstinence.”

Refraining from sex during fertile times, when avoiding pregnancy, is undeniably challenging. Yet it is also an invitation to rightly order desires through the virtue of chastity. If abstinence feels unbearable (or, conversely, too easy) it is important to get curious about why, together as a couple. The strain itself is revealing something in need of healing.

If abstinence leads to anger, resentment, bitterness, or fixation, then the fullness of chastity has not yet been achieved. When a couple has prayerfully and reasonably discerned that avoiding pregnancy is best for their family for health, financial, psychological, or social reasons, as articulated in Humanae Vitae, then loving and willing the good of the other takes precedence over the desire for sexual release. These are rightly ordered desires.

As the Catechism teaches, “chastity includes an apprenticeship in self-mastery which is a training in human freedom” CCC 2339. Freedom is the ability to choose the greater good peacefully and joyfully. Chastity leads to sexual freedom because it rightly orders passion, allowing a loving spouse to will the good of the other, as St. Thomas Aquinas describes.

Physical, psychological, or relational discomfort during abstinence may signal an invitation to grow in virtue. It may also indicate that non-sexual intimacy is lacking. Sexual intimacy is a powerful form of communication through the body, but it is not the only one. Are unconditional love and affection being communicated in other ways? Distance from sex can sometimes reveal an emotional distance that should not be overshadowed by the pleasure or convenience of lovemaking.

If abstinence feels easy for one spouse but burdensome for the other, this too may reveal a wound. Genuine curiosity and openness are key to healing. Why, in a loving marriage, is sex not a mutual desire? Is the familial or emotional load uneven? Does one spouse feel unliked or unloved outside the bedroom? Are competing concerns taking precedence over intimacy, and are those priorities being examined together?

When lived chastely, abstinence can become an invitation to deeper intimacy, shared joy, and renewed togetherness—healing wounds that may never have surfaced without NFP.

“How do we discern why and when to use NFP?”

Often, one spouse feels convinced while the other feels concerned. One may experience NFP as a requirement, the other as a suggestion. If spouses disagree on when, why, or even whether to use NFP, it is crucial to articulate perspectives clearly and listen openly. Do not settle for division. Work toward a shared vision for your family regarding sex, intimacy, and children.

This has become an increasingly tense topic, especially in the age of social media. Opinions abound about what constitutes valid or selfish reasons for avoiding pregnancy, with debates over terms like just, grave, or prudent. These discussions can be confusing and overwhelming.

First, no one outside your marriage is living your marriage. On your wedding day, you created something new: a family. Together, with God, you possess the grace, reason, faith, and intimate knowledge needed to make difficult decisions. Outside resources can be helpful, but ultimately discernment belongs to the three of you: God, husband, and wife.

The Church offers wisdom through the concept of “responsible parenthood” in Humanae Vitae, emphasizing biological awareness, prudent discernment of circumstances, and obedience to the moral order established by God. Responsible parenthood calls spouses to recognize their duties toward God, themselves, their family, and society.

A key distinction must also be made: fertility awareness is knowledge of a woman’s body, while NFP is how couples use that knowledge through prayer, reason, and communication to discern family size and timing.

Rather than defending NFP with theory alone, it is essential to consider how it is lived within real marriages amid communication, sacrifice, desire, disagreement, and love. This conversation is especially for couples weary of oversimplified answers who desire something deeper, more human, and more faithful.

Truthfully, NFP may be the perfect tool for revealing the parts of ourselves and our marriages that need healing. If your marriage struggles with NFP, that does not mean it has failed. It may be doing exactly what it is meant to do: exposing what cannot be healed if it remains hidden. Rather than masking issues through contraception, unlimited access to sex, or avoided conversation, allow the grace of the sacrament to lead your marriage toward healing and wholeness.